"I looked down the Corkscrew and saw only the vast, terrifying abyss of my own soul. And also a very loud Dodge Viper. It was the most lonely thirty-three seconds of my life."
— Juliano Flores, weeping into a cup of lukewarm chimarrão in the Scuderia Libra garage.
OFFICIAL DECREE OF THE SUPER MARIO WORLD MOTOR SPORT DUUDES DRIIVERS COUNCIL AND REVOLUTIONARY ASSEMBLY (SMWMSDDCCFRA)
Convened under the heavy, tear-soaked coastal fog of the Monterey Peninsula on this solemn day of June 18, 2017, the Council hereby addresses Motion 20170618/01, brought forward by the collective weeping of the entire paddock. We are gathered here to dissect a race that felt less like a World Championship event and more like a high-speed existential crisis played out in GTR2.
Exhibit A: The Desolation of Monterey
The Council notes with profound melancholy that only two brave, miserable souls took the start at Mazda Raceway Laguna Seca for the Feature Race. Seventeen laps of absolute solitude. No traffic. No totozinho to break the silence. Just two roaring Viper Competition Coupes screaming into the void of the dry California dirt.
Fernando Horta (#01, Lotus FD Team) took the victory with a total time of 26:27.056, boasting a best lap of 1:29.719. Juliano Flores (#29, Scuderia Libra) chased his shadow, finishing 33.017 seconds behind with a total time of 27:00.073 (best lap 1:31.680). The gap was not a gap; it was a physical manifestation of grief. How can we call this a race? It was a motorized funeral procession for two.
Exhibit B: The Anomaly of the Ghost Grid
The timing sheets returned a value of "NULL" for the starting grid of both competitors. The Council is forced to conclude that both Horta and Flores did not start from asphalt, but rather materialized from a tear in the space-time continuum, possibly summoned by a dark ritual involving old GTR2 installation discs and cheap Brazilian cachaça.
Exhibit C: The Great Splitting of the Soul
The most alarming evidence presented in Motion 20170618/01 lies in the Championship Standings. We are utterly shattered by the arithmetic heresy. Fernando Horta possesses 22 points in the Drivers' Championship. However, the Teams' Standings list "Lotus FD Team" with 11 points, and "SHAKAXD" with 11 points.
The Council is faced with a terrifying philosophical question: Is Horta tax-evading his own consciousness? Has he split his driver identity into two separate entities to bypass the Super Mario World fuel-subsidy tax? We cannot allow a driver to be both a Lotus pilot and a spectral, independent 'Shakaxd' entity at the same time!
blockquote>Craque Neto (Special Melodramatic TV Pundit): "VOCÊS ESTÃO DE BRINCADEIRA! This is a joke! A grid of two cars? TWO CARS? My back is hurting from carrying the dramatic weight of this broadcast! Horta is split in two? He is half-Lotus and half-Shaka? Back in my day at Corinthians, we didn't split our souls for points, we ran until our legs fell off! Under-achieving gringos! Cascão, tell them! This championship is a circus!"The Press Conference Gaggle
Tiago Pamonha (O Globo de Várzea): Mr. Flores, did you consider parking your Viper at the Corkscrew to wait for the rest of the grid to exist?
Juliano Flores: I thought about it. But the sound of Horta's engine in the distance was the only thing keeping me sane. I couldn't bear to be alone with my thoughts.
Ronaldo 'Bolacha' (Diário de Sorocaba): To the Council—will Horta's dual identity be forced to pay double registration fees next round?
The Priest of the Temples of FD: The Council is too emotionally drained by the mathematical implications of the 11-11 point split to make a financial ruling. We are going to drink a warm Brahma and take a three-day nap.
RULING: The results stand. Juliano Flores maintains his 1-point lead in the championship (23 to 22). Scuderia Libra retains the lead of the Teams' Standings (23 points) because, despite the loneliness, they actually exist as a cohesive legal entity. Lotus FD Team is ordered to purchase a mirror for Horta so he can negotiate with his other half.
Ps. Jens, we found your left racing boot under the bridge at turn 6. It smells like old cheese and sadness. Please claim it.
